This series of posts about pastors who quiet quit (Part 1, Part 2, Part 3), ended initially differently. It ended with me encouraging the church attendee to step back and see the bigger picture. I could fit the following topic under that banner, but I didn't want to sugarcoat it for anyone who might be reading. As a warning, this post is significantly longer than the previous three.  

If you want to prevent your pastor from quiet quitting, then step back and watch out for emotional abuse. Yes, it's true. The person that stands up on stage and looks like they have it all together probably doesn't. In all likelihood, they are actively engaged in a spiritual battle that directly attacks their emotions. They are probably dealing with spiritual warfare from several directions. It would be fantastic if we could state with complete confidence that the attacks are coming exclusively from those outside the church's four walls. Still, the reality is that many attacks come from within and predominantly come in the form of gaslighting.

Gaslighting is one of the forms of psychological manipulation in which an individual sows seeds of doubt and confusion in the mind of the abused.

The objective of the gaslighter is to gain power and control by attempting to distort reality and get the other person to question their judgment, beliefs, and intuition.

While it often occurs in marital or romantic relationships, it is prevalent in churches.  

How to recognize it in a church setting?

If you're wondering how to recognize it in a church setting, here are a couple of signs:

• They spread rumors and gossip about the pastor or tell the pastor that people are gossiping about them.

• They frequently say people overreact when you attempt to hold them accountable for their actions.

• They lie about, deny, or refuse to admit they lied even when you show them evidence.

• They minimize their actions by saying, "I was just joking," or "You're too sensitive."

• They shift blame onto the pastor--saying if he did things differently, they wouldn't act like this, so really, it's the pastor's fault.

• They attempt to make things right with loving words that do not match their actions.  

• They will change the subject when someone confronts them about what they are doing.

• They will invent a reality that didn't happen, share it with others, and insist that everyone else remembers it wrong.

These behaviors are toxic in any environment, but they are incredibly harmful in a church where it is predominately assumed that everyone has good intentions. Add that dynamic to the reality that these individuals typically function within packs in the church, and your pastor will soon find themselves inundated with tiny cuts from a dozen different directions. That's how these gaslighters are successful; they insense layers of people groups with dozens of fictitious or minor issues to the point that the pastor feels completely marginalized. They question if they are overreacting, misremembering the facts, or not making a big enough deal over something that seemed so minor to begin with.  

The pastor's family also feels the effects of this behavior because all of a sudden, there can be a shift in self-esteem, disorientation about who they can be honest with, and confusion about what is really important and who is on their side. They feel crazy because it feels like "several people are upset with the way things are," so they must be doing something wrong. When they finally reach their breaking point, Satan slips in to whisper, "Everyone would be better off without you. You're just causing trouble."

Here are some signs that your pastor may be feeling the effects of gaslighting:

• They try to convince others that the other person's behavior isn't bad: "That's just so-and-so; they don't mean anything by it. That's just how they are."

• They walk on eggshells around other people and are quick not to say anything that will upset the status quo.

• They are constantly second-guessing themselves about decisions that were made, even when they were made by a team of people who had thought through them.

• They constantly question their feelings and observations, thinking they see things that are not really there.

• They struggle with their memory and question their sanity at times.

• They stay silent about Biblical truth because they have been taught to second guess themselves.

• They call themselves “crazy” and “stupid. “ 

• You can often catch them in the hallway apologizing to their abuser(s) and for disappointing them.

• They are perpetually on edge and are constantly attempting to defend their actions, even when it's something benign.  

Suppose this behavior is allowed to go on long enough. In that case, your pastor will, at best, quietly slip into a mode of passivity toward what God has called them to do as a means not to upset their abusers until "God calls them elsewhere" or they retire. At worst, they will incrementally erode until they leave the ministry altogether or, in some cases, take their own life.

Church members, if you care about your pastor, do something. If you care about the mission of Jesus Christ in your context, do something. If you are a Christ-follower witnessing this sort of behavior, do something. Have a conversation with peers, pastors, and parishioners that can be trusted and have an intervention.  

Engage the enemy seeking only to steal, kill, and destroy. Don't simply walk the other way but become an armor-bearer for your pastor. Let them know they are not only with your words and actions because, let me tell you, even with people all around them, they and their families feel alone.

If you’re a pastor reading this and you suspect you’ve been exposed to weeks, months, or years’ worth of emotional abuse, please seek support. You are a child of King Jesus and, as such, have worth and value.