Often, even as people speak, we’re thinking of what we want to say next or how to “top” the experience of the person across from us as a means of impressing them. Sometimes, we simply try to sell our interest to them by regaling them with heroic tales of accomplishment. In this way, communication never actually happens between both parties. 

Interested people are interesting people. ::Breathe:: Let that sink in a minute.  Interested people are interesting people.  

When we take a thirty-thousand-foot view of Jesus, five things become abundantly clear about how He engaged with people:

• He was genuinely interested in them

• He met them where they were.

• He asked them questions

• He spoke to their soul

• They walked away, impacted by their interaction with Him

As followers of Christ, we should desire, as Paul says, “[to] promote the growth of the body [of Christ] for building itself up in love by the proper working of each individual part,” regardless of who is sitting across the table.  This healthy building happens through disciple-making relationships, engaging those far from Christ, and encouraging those struggling with their faith.  As a son and daughter of King Jesus, you can add value to them by simply applying Jesus’ methods of conversation to help them gain movement in discovering their next step to meaningful progress in their lives.

However, most people are unaware of how to engage in a conversation that can help inspire movement in others.  Often, even as people speak, we’re thinking of what we want to say next or how to “top” the experience of the person across from us as a means of impressing them.  Sometimes, we simply try to sell our interest to them by regaling them with heroic tales of accomplishment.  In this way, communication never actually happens between both parties.  We are essentially two competitors displaying our billboard accomplishments with meaningless emojis.  We prevent ourselves from being known and knowing others.  We also miss an opportunity to display a heart of love and help another person make meaningful progress in their spiritual walk.  

Over the next few minutes, I want to share some practical and strategic steps, from the example of our Savior to mine out valuable gems in other people's lives from every conversation you have.

As a kid, I always wanted to have a superpower. Whether flying like superman, crawling up walls like the web-slinger, or being a genius like Ironman, I would constantly daydream about what that would be like. As an adult, I realized that I have a superpower: The superpower of a question. 

When I ask the right questions and tone of voice at the right time, I can unlock doors previously unopened in people's minds. When we ask positive and affirming questions, it's like we're literally walking around someone else's brain, knocking on doors of untapped potential. 

From a scientific standpoint, when we ask good questions, the person's brain receiving our question is flooded with relaxation chemicals (serotonin)  and engages in something called neuroplasticity.  Neuroplasticity essentially means that our brains can change to encourage new thinking and knowledge.  By formulating a question with genuine curiosity, we can relax someone's brain and allow neurons to move to new locations in their brain, making it possible to find answers and develop solutions that otherwise would remain locked away. My friend, Jessie Cruickshank, author of Ordinary Discipleship, a neuroscientist, says this: "Only another person can help you know what you ALMOST know."

When people you're having conversations with feel relaxed, refreshed and renewed with energy and a sense of direction after talking with you, they will return to you again and again to get your input. With that in mind, I want to help you learn how to ask the right question in the right way to gain credibility and help people in your circle feel valued and invigorated after every conversation with you. So how do you begin?

Become Genuinely Interested

People know a fake from a mile away. If you're simply waiting for the other person to finish talking so you can "sell your perspective," your conversational counterpart will walk away from the conversation thinking, "That was a good meal, but that's about it."

Jesus was genuinely interested in others because God the Father desires fellowship with those made in His image and likeness.  Jesus’ interest in others was so great that He wrapped himself in human flesh and came to earth to serve.  He engaged the outcasts of society with humility to show his interest in them:

• John 4:27-29 (CSB) - Just then the disciples arrived, and they were amazed that he was talking with a woman. Yet no one said, “What do you want?” or “Why are you talking with her?”  Then the woman left her water jar, went into town, and told the people, “Come see a man who told me everything I ever did.  Could this be the Messiah?

• Luke 19: 5-7 (CSB) - When Jesus came to the place, he looked up and said to him, “Zacchaeus, hurry and come down because today it is necessary for me to stay at your house.” So he quickly came down and welcomed him joyfully. All who saw it began to complain, “He’s gone to stay with a sinful man.” 

• Matthew 9:35-38 (CSB) - Jesus continued going around to all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every disease and every sickness., When he saw the crowds, he felt compassion for them, because they were distressed and dejected, like sheep without a shepherd.  Then he said to his disciples, “The harvest is abundant, but the workers are few. Therefore, pray to the Lord of the harvest to send out workers into his harvest.” 

Engaging with outsiders, communing with sinners, and feeling compassion for people who were distressed and dejected, like sheep without a shepherd, is the attitude in which Jesus engages the people around him.  Becoming genuinely interested and compassionate about who they are and the details of their lives.  Becoming legitimately interested in those with whom you have an opportunity to interact is imperative. 

As a follower of Christ, who wishes to display the love of Christ and build the body of Christ, we must mentally approach each conversation by telling ourselves, "My goal is to understand the person sitting across from me.  To know their goals, motivations, wants, and fears.  I desire to become an expert in this particular individual.  I want to know this information to help them be the son or daughter of Christ they’ve been created to be." Approach every conversation as a learner, and you'll be surprised at how often you teach people valuable truths about themselves. 

Gain Trust with Deliberate Empathy

Reinforce your genuine interest in others by embracing deliberate empathy.  Deliberate empathy is an intentional decision on your part to focus on your conversational counterpart's agenda rather than your own. Even the most casual of conversations have an agenda.  As I mentioned before, most people’s conversational agenda is to dominate or impress the person they are speaking to.  Some people’s agenda is simply to have a surface-level conversation where they can walk away having been friendly without being known.  However, if you want to inspire movement and impact in people’s lives with every conversation, you will need to strengthen the appearance of genuine interest by displaying deliberate empathy.  Deliberate empathy will create an opportunity for the other person to begin to trust you. If they perceive you don't care about their interests and dreams, you won't be granted the opportunity to speak into their life. 

Attentiveness is the key component in exercising deliberate empathy. Sitting up, leaning in, looking your conversational counterpart in the eye, and using the right voice inflection to show interest and understanding. When someone feels safe and heard, information is exchanged. When they feel comfortable sharing information with you, your credibility increases.

 Jesus exercised deliberate empathy on numerous occasions, which is why so many people came to him with questions because they knew they would be heard:

• Hebrews 4:15 (CSB) -  For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who has been tempted in every way as we are, yet without sin.

• Matthew 11:28-30 (CSB) - “Come to me, all of you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.  Take up my yoke and learn from me, because I am lowly and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.  For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” 

• Luke 7:36-50 (CSB) - A prostitute seeking redemption was not turned away.

• Luke 8:42-48 (CSB) - A bleeding woman of 12 years was searching for healing, and Jesus provided it

• Luke 7:13 (CSB) - His heart went out to a woman who had lost her son, and he raised him from the dead.

We may not be able to heal or raise people from the dead, but by displaying deliberate empathy by asking open-ended questions using “how” or “what” we can impact their lives.  "Why" and "But" questions raise feelings of conflict, so craft your questions well. Instead of asking, "Why did you do that?" say, "What compelled you to consider that option?" Always be inquisitive with your vocal inflection, as this tone of voice conveys genuine curiosity and interest in the other person's point of view.  

Mine Out Potential and Pain

Another aspect of Deliberate Empathy, is mining potential opportunities and naming pain points. Unfortunately, this is where our ability to mimic the example set forth by Christ becomes problematic.  Jesus, being one hundred percent God and one-hundred percent man, knew the heart of those with whom He spoke.  Jesus already knew the answer of all the one-hundred and thirty-five questions that He asked.  His questions were a way to lead his followers to new understandings about themselves.  

When we ask questions, we ask to discover the answer, but we also ask as a means of helping others discover an answer they may not yet know.  However, the way that we approach asking questions can either fuel progress toward making a meaningful impact in an individual’s life, or it can shut it down.  Since we don’t possess the divine insight of our redeemer, we must craft questions in such a way as to allow our conversational counterpart to easily slide into a new understanding and to prevent progress by getting in our own way.

As you sit down to have conversations with people, be aware of their body movements and the words they use and try and mimic them. If they lean back and cross their legs, count off 15 seconds, and you lean back and cross your legs. If they fidget with their fingers when they talk, then you fidget with your fingers when you talk. Choose two or three body movements from the other person and mimic their actions. A study done in 2010 revealed that when unconscious mimicry occurs, it stimulates the part of the brain that processes rewards and makes other people feel understood. 

In 2003, a study was done with waitresses who repeated orders using the exact words spoken by the customer with the same vocal inflection and compared it to waitresses who simply wrote the orders down. Those who mimicked received significantly higher tips. By using language, vocal inflection, and adapting a posture that is similar to the person with whom you are speaking, you are building trust on an unconscious level.

Here’s an example from a recent conversation I had with a pastor:  

Me: What's weighing heavy on your shoulders right now?

Pastor:: Well, I have this leader in the church who keeps pushing my buttons.

Me:: Pushing your buttons?

Pastor:: Yeah, they keep coming up to me with a bunch of demands about what they think should and shouldn't be done in the church.

Me: A bunch of demands?

Pastor: Yeah, they don't like the music or the worship style or how the deacons are visiting families?

Me: How the deacons are visiting families?

Notice that each time I take a part of their previous statement and mimic it with an inquisitive tone; therefore the pastor automatically gives me more details.  Technically, I’ve only asked one question, and I’m simply digging deeper into the answer.  Always convey genuine curiosity in your responses.

Each time you mimic them, you are making them feel validated and heard. This builds rapport and provides additional information to you as someone who wants to help them.  It also helps you begin to identify the potential opportunities that are present in a specific situation or hurdles that may need to be addressed.

Lend Your Voice to their Feelings

Like before, our fallen nature prevents us from divine insight into human emotions.  Jesus could look inside people and state exactly their emotions:

• If you love those who love you, what reward will you get?

• Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?

• Why do you worry about clothes?

• Why are you so afraid?

• Why did you doubt?

• Do you still not understand?

• Where is your faith?

Therefore, as you have opportunities to mine potential opportunities or pain points, it is essential to further lend your voice to the things they may be feeling about a situation.  This further deepens the deliberate empathy on your part.  Jesus never suppressed the emotions of the people he interacted with; according to Hebrews, he felt them, he knows them because he lived them.  Name emotions in the conversation, “It sounds like that really upsets you” or  “you seem really passionate about that.”  

By recognizing and naming emotions, the other person recognizes that you understand them and are really listening to what they are saying.  You’re deliberately showing empathy for their circumstances; therefore, they feel more comfortable sharing because they know you are listening to them beyond their surface-level communication.  You’ll know that you’ve reached a new level of deliberate empathy when they start saying, “That’s right,” as you summarize what your conversational counterpart has said and rightly attach their emotion to their circumstance.  This helps them feel understood entirely, and a connection is made.  

If you cannot connect the individual emotionally to the potential or problem they are facing then your desire to assist them to meaningful progress will likely be lost.  Continuing our example from earlier:

Me:  "It seems like the way the deacons handle their families is creating difficulties for you, and it sounds like that criticism has really caused you pain, and you look like you're really disappointed in how this is being handled?"

You're forcing their brain to consider the underlying issue by asking them about an emotion. You're also making them feel heard by tapping into and naming their emotions. Once you've correctly labeled their feelings and they've affirmed that label and gotten them to “That’s right,” help them mine out the core truth by following it up with a question:

• "What do you think is the cause of that feeling?”

• “What’s happened previously that made that a core issue for you?”

You want them to identify the internal values in themselves that their situation is irritating.  By correctly naming the feeling and connecting it to an internal value, they are coming closer to deciding how to proceed forward.

Calibrate Questions to Gain Movement

As you and the individual with whom you are speaking begin to mine out possible opportunities or pain points in their lives and then connect the emotions to the underlying cause of those emotions, use some carefully calibrated questions to help them move to action.  Here are some of the calibrated questions Jesus used to get people to movement:

• John 5:44-47 (CSB) - How can you believe, since you accept glory from one another but don’t seek the glory that comes from the only God? 45 Do not think that I will accuse you to the Father. Your accuser is Moses, on whom you have set your hope. 46 For if you believed Moses, you would believe me, because he wrote about me. 47 But if you don’t believe what he wrote, how will you believe my words?”

• John 8:45-47Yet because I tell the truth, you do not believe me. 46 Who among you can convict me of sin? If I am telling the truth, why don’t you believe me? 47 The one who is from God listens to God’s words. This is why you don’t listen, because you are not from God.” 

• John 18:34 Jesus answered, “Are you asking this on your own, or have others told you about me?” 

In the same way, we use carefully calibrated questions to help people consider making meaningful movements forward, for example:

• "If nothing changes, what do you predict will happen in the long term?"

• "What are the implications for you, the church, and the community, if nothing changes within the next three years?"

• "What are you willing to say "no" to get things moving in the right direction?"

• "If you could do anything without fear of failure, what would you do next?"

By asking them these questions, you are helping them to consider possibilities based not on fruit issues or branch issues but rather on the core issues at hand. 

As people who care for other people and desire to promote the growth of the body of Christ, we don't want to put a bandaid on situations; we should want to help people get to the source of their strife and take the next step forward to address what they are facing.  We should also long for opportunities to engage in disciple-making relationships with the people with whom God has allowed us to do life.  By using these conversational techniques, you are building up trust and credibility with those whom you are around. If you lead with questions frequently, you can help a person discover the answer from within themselves from any walk of life. 

This also gives you all the information you need to restate the problem the person surfaced and name it in their terms. Thereby potentially earning the right to speak into their life.  This can then offer to open up an opportunity for further future conversation to help them.  Practice these techniques in low-risk conversations so you're ready to utilize them in high-risk moments. 

Our desire as Christ-follower is to simply be catalysts to help others grow in a deeper and more intimate relationship with our Creator.  Leverage these as you are able to help you do just that.